10 Pets I Want to Own

1.Red Fox because foxes are the coolest fucking animals on the Earth. And "Marlfox" was my favorite book of the Redwall series.

2. Hedgehog because invasive species have never been so cute and adorable. Take that California!

3. Dog so that I can be a true American.

4. Cat so that I can teach it to go to college.

5. Gollum so that whenever anyone asks me who my least favorite pet is, I can say "I hate to have to decide, but It would probably have to be Gollum."

6. Not a Pet Rock because those things live, like, forever and I don't want to have to put it through the trauma of finding another owner after I die.

7. Horse so that I could feel like Paul Revere anytime I felt like it.

8. Fish so that I could have at least one pet I can flush down the toilet when it dies.

9. Shark to keep my fish company in the oft lonesome aquarium.

10. Willem Dafoe so that I can finally train him not to pee on sofas.