10 Christmas Movies for Grown-Ups

....and no, I don't mean porn, but I'm sure you can find plenty of that on the Internet. Now that we have that clarified, here we go:

1. Die Hard (1988) - Some might not remember that the movie that launched Bruce Willis' career and poised Alan Rickman as the ultimate bad guy was set during the happiest of holidays, but Die Hard is a Christmas classic if there ever was one. Detective John McClane flies out to reconnect with his wife on Christmas Eve only to find himself trapped in an office building that has been taken over by a team of terrorists trying to steal $640 million in bonds from the company. McClane then spends the rest of the movie kicking so much ass that you almost feel your own butt tingling, but not in a gay way. Watching this movie pretty much makes you want to dropkick Santa in the face yelling "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!!!" while holding baby Jesus in your arms. If that doesn't get you pumped for Christmas, I don't know what will.
Netflix Instant Watch: Yes



2. A Christmas Tale (2008) - Not many films that get a nod for the Palm d'Or at the Cannes set their premise around the Christmas holiday (in fact, this might be the only one), and Arnaud Desplechin's modern family drama certainly deserved it. A family reunites after years of separated strain when they all discover that their mother has leukemia, and soon it becomes an embittered battle between the siblings as to who will be the savior and donate bone marrow to their mother. All of the characters are free and dynamic and never fall under the spell of over-dramatized stereotypes, thanks in combination to the excellent dialogue and acting and the quirky camerawork, which keeps even the most strenuous moments light-hearted and fun to watch. If you think you know French cinema, be sure to check this one out to see all of the little surprises it carries.
Netflix Instant Watch: Yes



3. Bad Santa (2003) - The idea of Terry Zwigoff and Billy Bob Thornton getting together to make a Christmas film is too weird to even be a fantasy, yet here we are. The result is about as crude as you would expect it to be - almost to a fault. It's probably best considered as the anti-Christmas movie: there is no 'goodwill' here, only dark humor between many bottles of rum. Despite its effort, though, it never reaches the perfect awkward atmosphere of Ghost World, which is definitely a superior film. Still, Thornton plays his part to perfection and Zwigoff throws off any cliche in his screenplay that his premise throws at him. To those who cling to seasonal joys and get upset when movies don't follow moral queues, the result might be pretty depressing and off-putting. But to everyone else, the sky is the limit, and hell you might even learn a lesson here and there.
Netflix Instant Watch: No



4. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) - It always felt strange to me that Kubrick decided to set his final, lust-filled opus during Christmas, but almost every scene is immersed in the season, and hell - why not make it a holiday classic, it's a great movie. A couple struggles over the temptation of infidelity during a fateful night, and whether the allure is real or imagined, they both have to come to terms and define what their bond means. I'm convinced that Tom Cruise took the role because he gets to be with, like, 20 naked ladies throughout the film, but that must have been some motivation because it's probably his best acting just short of Magnolia. And with Kubrick at the helm, every scene is completely absorbing (though the main piano theme might get a bit grinding after a while.) Whether or not you like it, it will certainly mess with your head.
Netflix Instant Watch: No



5. Love Actually (2003) - A well-scripted, hilarious Brit rom-com that intertwines multiple storylines sounds like a strange Christmas gift, but Richard Curtis gave us exactly that in the winter of 2003, and Love Actually is truly the best of its kind. It's chalk full of great scenes and characters and chooses to depict love as something imperfect and real rather than the usual idealized fluff. To top it off, it gives us Bill Nighy drunkenly singing a kitschy Christmas tune called "Love Is All Around," which manages to peak the charts and capture all of the dry jollity of the season. Good stuff.
Netflix Instant Watch: No




6. Brazil (1985) - Terry Gilliam's masterpiece is like a psychotic blend of 1984 and Monty Python, and the fact that it is set during Christmas is perfectly fitting. At its base level the movie is a commentary on the things that we become slaves to - bureaucracy, fear, vanity and most of all consumerism. Everyone aside from the main character, Sam Lowry, seems to be locked in their own self-congratulating space, appeased by giving into their own selfish desires in the easiest and fastest way possible. When looked at with a cynic's eye, Christmas could be little more than a statement on modern consumer culture; the only way we know to show our friends and family that we love them is by buying things for them. Happy Holidays!
Netflix Instant Watch: No



7. Tokyo Godfathers (2003) - A baby abandoned on Christmas Eve is discovered by the most unlikely of families: a homeless trio consisting of a man who has lost his family, a homosexual drag queen who has always longed to be a mother and a girl who has run away from home. As the three search for the baby's (which they nickname Kiyoko) parents, they each reflect on their own misfortunes and abandonment, determined to not let Kiyoko reach the same fate. Brought to us by the masters of mature anime, Satoshi Kon (Perfect Blue, Paprika) and Keiko Nobumoto (Cowboy Bebop), this is a pretty tough watch for a Christmas flick but the plot flows with a spirituality filled with coincidences that can only be described as magical.
Netflix Instant Watch: No



8. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) - With all of the chaos and flare of a Guy Ritchie film and the sexy suaveness of a neo-noir mystery, this guilty pleasure of mine is all adrenaline and pops as seamlessly as a pack of firecrackers (oh, not to mention it stars Robert Downey, Jr.) The main character, Harry Lockhart is a thief turned actor turned hapless investigator, and eventually teams up with PI "Gay" Perry (Val Kilmer at his best) to solve a kidnapping case, supposedly to "get in character" for an upcoming role. The quick-witted meta narration by RDJr. really gives the film its edge and the romance subplot between him and his childhood sweetheart is actually pretty fun to watch. Oh, not to mention the whole thing takes place during Christmas. See, it does belong on this list.
Netflix Instant Watch: No



9. Christmas on Mars (2008) - Far and away the weirdest Christmas movie I've ever seen, this psychedelic freakout of a film was concocted from the mind of Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips (which is about the only thing that makes sense about it.) Not really a Christmas movie in any traditional sense, the plot is loosely based around a character named Major Syrtis organizing a pageant to celebrate the first Christmas on the newly-colonized Mars. Think of it as a weird fusion of Jodorowski and David Lynch in the backdrop of 2001: A Space Odyssey. A true holiday trip.
Netflix Instant Watch: No





10. Black Christmas (1974) - 10 years before he released the perennial A Christmas Story and before he got famous with Porky's, Bob Clark filmed this Canadian cult classic. It was also probably the first Christmas horror film, and came out right when the slasher flick was coming into stride (the same year as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre). The movie focuses on killings that take place in a sorority house where the girls are tormented by mysterious phone calls that consist of muffled moans and screams. One by one the girls start disappearing as the killer, who we find out lurks in the attic, corners them while they're alone... and kills them. It's by no means a great film, and it's the 70s, so the movie handles 'controversial' issues such as sex, alcoholism and abortion with all the tact of a late-night comedian, but it's a fun ride while it lasts, and horror buffs are sure to love it.
Netflix Instant Watch: Yes


Not enough for you? Check out Edward Scissorhands, Die Hard 2, Scrooged, Millions and Joyeux Noël

A Serbian Film: A Review

RATING
What it tried to do: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
What it accomplished: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆

There are those movies out there that seem to exist to whet some masochistic curiosity to stretch the limits of what you as a viewer can stand. Not surprisingly, a market has been made out of this strange desire to watch things that are simply unpleasing to sit through, and extremophiles now have a continually fresh variety of trash to sift through, some of them packaged with a nice moral kick in between the smut. After enough of these movies, I can assuredly say that curiosity is a disease. But even acknowledging that doesn't stop me from succumbing to its tantalizing allure, and that's where I find myself watching A Serbian Film.

Much like Michael Haneke's Funny Games, this movie presents itself as a criticism of the so-called “torture porn” genre that has seemed to pass itself off as “horror” - a vein that includes the Saw franchise, Eli Roth films and most of the Asian Extreme outfit. However, in order to accomplish their criticisms, both movies are defined by the very thing they are criticizing, making them innately flawed. It also makes them very hard to sit through because they constantly remind you that you aren't supposed to be enjoying what you are watching. No entertainment is to be gained from a movie that makes you feel bad for watching it.

I'm not going to sit here and deny that the film has any merits. In fact, a large portion of the movie steeps itself as a family drama, and even a somewhat enchanting one that deals with the strain of having a father and a husband who makes his living as a porn star. The scenes between Miloš, the father, and his son are particularly awkward and touching, especially in one instance when Miloš has to explain the confusion the boy feels when he accidentally stumbles upon one of pornography videos by his father. It also handles the transition from drama to thriller pretty well, with the atmospheric soundtrack and lighting becoming darker and more intense as the plot is removed from its heels. It's a very disorienting effect, but combined with the almost laughably tasteless context of the film, it ends up being completely jarring.

Speaking of tasteless, there's a scene where a newborn baby is raped. Just thought I would throw that out there. It stretches the few boundaries that are left to stretch and because of that it has been banned from quite a few film festivals, perhaps that was the point of the film. There are obvious influences taken from Marquis de Sade's The 120 Days of Sodom and even a direct reference to George Bataille's Story of the Eye, classics in the realm of libertine philosophy and perversion. However, retreading this material in a modern light doesn't do anything to lift the film. When Pasolini adapted de Sade's work for Salò, he contextualized the work's brutality within the rise of Mussolini's fascism during World War II, a politically relevant platform that criticizes the sad state of affairs Italy was in during that time period. Though political corruption and abuse of power are themes that play into A Serbian Film, the movie doesn't have the context to back that up (I'm not an expert on modern Serbian politics, but I'm pretty certain that it isn't quite as bad as Mussolini's Italy.) It doesn't even stand as a relevant statement about the affairs of the pornography industry, like Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights did so well. So what is it trying to say?

The makers of this movie are basically saying “We made this movie because we can.” They have even stated that the vast majority of moviegoers will not want to see this movie. Too true – the movie will probably only hit hard to those people who are unprepared for it. As for those who do want to see it – haven't you got something better to do?