Top 5 Awesome Movie Whales

It may be shark week on the Discovery Channel, but do you know what I think is cooler than sharks? Whales. Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING HUGE. They have the largest brains on the planet. They breathe through their blowholes. They are the loudest animals on Earth. They kick ass without needing to take names. Because whales are so cool, I decided that I'm going to make a list in veneration of them. So I present what I think are the top 5 most awesome movie whales. By the way, all of these whales could squash Flipper with a single swat.


5. Monstro (Pinocchio, 1940) - Pinocchio was Disney Studio's second animated feature, and for a kid's tale it has a pretty twisted plot. If a wooden puppet coming alive wasn't freaky enough, Pinocchio also gets locked away by an evil puppeteer, joins a rowdy group of boys who drink and gamble on "Pleasure Island" and almost gets turned into a jackass and sold to the circus. Managing to escape all of this, Pinocchio is faced with his biggest trial yet - rescuing his father, Gepetto, from the bowels of a ginormous blue whale. Like a bamf, he heads out to sea, gets eaten by the monster, and is briefly reunited with Gepetto in the guts of the whale. Together they plan their escape by burning wood inside the whale, forcing him to sneeze them out of his blowhole. This works, but the enraged whale chases the pair, and eventually rams Pinocchio against the rocks, killing him. (I give props to Monstro for being one of the few Disney villains to actually kill the main character). In the end, though, the Blue Fairy decides that Pinocchio has proved his worth and turns him into a real boy. I can still remember the chase at sea being one of the more traumatizing memories of my childhood, though. Good job, Disney.

4. The Squid and Whale Diorama (The Squid and the Whale, 2005) - The whale in this movie might not be real per se, but plays a very important role in the development of the characters. The Squid and the Whale is the story of divorce and its impact on the family, most especially for children who are often pressured to take the side of one parent. Walt, the older son, defends his Dad while Frank, the younger son, feels sympathy for his Mom, but are constantly tugged one way or the other. Noah Baumbach's semi-autobiographical portrayal felt very realistic, and having gone through a similar experience, I identified a lot with the characters, especially Frank (though I didn't smear semen on my school lockers - my elementary school didn't have lockers.) The turning point in the film comes when Walt discovers that his favorite childhood memory was that of his Mom taking him to see the Squid and the Whale exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History. With this revelation, he realizes that his Dad isn't exonerated from the mess they were now in, and if anything is to blame. The movie finishes with Walt going back to revisit the diorama and soaking it in - perhaps to forgive his Mom in his own way and to wash himself free of the whole affair.

3. Flying Sperm Whales (Fantasia 2000, 1999) - No, you did not just drop acid. Yes, those whales are flying. A lot of people were mixed about Disney's revamp of their classic (and I am one of those people), but I'd be lying if I didn't say this was a truly spectacular piece. Set to the soundtrack of Respighi's "Pines of Rome," this short begins with a family of whales doing what they normally do - swimming, singing, flipping babies in midair. Suddenly a light from a star shines on them and they just take off, like that! The serenity of floating doesn't last long, though, as the baby gets separated from the herd and becomes trapped in an ice cavern. The tension eases when he gets caught in what looks like an alien abduction to return to his parents. However, the finale is the real kicker, when all of the whales join together and fly up into the clouds and migrate together into the bright golden horizon, into the light that summoned their flight. The CGI of the whales looks a bit dated, and I think they would've been better off sticking with flat animation, but despite that flaw, you're still bound to have goosebumps by the triumphant end.

2. The Whale (Werckmeister Harmonies, 2001) - To call Bela Tarr's masterpiece meditative is an understatement. In the 2 1/2 hour running time there are only 39 shots, making an average shot length almost 4 minutes. By doing this he really makes the viewer live within the film (or fall asleep, depending on the viewer), and doesn't preach, but challenges us to comprehend his vision. The story takes place in a small Hungarian town during winter when a circus truck comes through and stops in the main marketplace. Despite the cold, people come from all around to see the main attraction - a huge whale carcass concealed in an iron cage. These strangers form their own cult settlement in the town, and the presence of both the foreign circus and the strangers bring unrest throughout the town. János, the main character, is different because he is absolutely compelled by the whale, astounded at how such a creature could even exist. The whale serves as a symbol for both the fear and wonder of the unknown, and the breaking point comes when a disfigured man called "The Prince" is revealed behind the whale. The Prince is the fulcrum that decides whether society gives in to fear or accepts János' wonder of things we cannot understand. I won't explicitly give it away, but the films climax is one of the most harrowing depictions of humanity I've ever seen caught on screen.

1. Willy (Free Willy, 1993) - Free Willy isn't that great of a movie. It's not bad, but I'll come right out and say it isn't great; if you don't like that, you are probably wallowing in a pool of nostalgia that at some point you're going to drown in. Still, nonetheless, Willy is always a character I'll hold dear in my heart because he is someone who you can connect with at any age. I mean, look how fucking heart-warming this trailer is. As a society we've always had a soft spot for Orcas - apparent by how long Shamu has been the star attraction of SeaWorld and other water parks. Why not, they're like the pandas of the sea! Willy is great because he is something that Shamu couldn't possibly be - a friend. He understands that Jesse cares for him, and would do anything to set him free. Sure, anthropomorphism has been employed many times before, but never with a 10,000 lb sea creature and rarely as effectively. And that last scene where Willy has to jump the rocks for safety, right over Jesse's outstretched arms has to be one of the most inspiring shots of any kid's movie.